Fatty Sara
I've been fat all my life. Seriously; I came out of the womb fat. Chubby cheeks, chubby legs, chubby everything. When you're a little kid, you don't know you're fat. Back in my day, kids really didn't tease you for your weight--that happened later in my school years. One event did happen in my younger years and I still remember it like it was yesterday which is surprising as most days, I can't remember what I wore the day before but this event is in my brain over 40 years later.
We were at an aunt's house and my cousins, siblings and I were playing out in the driveway. It was some family gathering and most of the adults were inside except for the aunt who owned the home. We were running around doing what kids do and this aunt proceeded to call me "Fatty Sara" over and over again. Now, this aunt has never been the kindest of people (obviously) but for some reason, my child self didn't see this as being nasty which I still don't comprehend to this day. But I can remember that day as if it were yesterday. I can even remember I was wearing a navy blue dress with a floral print that my Mom had made me. Over and over she'd call out "Fatty Sara" in this nasally, taunting voice.
Fast Forward to a few years ago. This aunt's son has passed away, ironically, from what you could say was obesity. I would guess he tipped the scales over 500 pounds. I hadn't seen him since 1999 and he was a solidly built guy but by no means obese at that time. So my parents were in Florida and couldn't come home for the funeral so I picked up my other aunt and we drove together. As we're driving, we're chatting about this cousin and his mother who, by the way, has never been very pleasant to the aunt I'm riding with. Anyway, we're talking and I tell her, "Aunt ---used to call me Fatty Sara to my face." My aunt gasped and said, "Are you kidding me?! When was this?" I told her I must've been around five when it happened and at that time, it didn't phase me. She asked if I'd told my parents and I never had. This aunt says to me, "Sara, you remember this forty years later; it hurt you and has obviously affected you." I'd never really thought about how those words to me had stuck with me all these years.
So we get to the church for the funeral. I forgot to mention that at the time of this funeral, I'd been working really hard on losing weight and I believe I'd already dropped over 70 pounds. Anyway, we walk into the church and there's "mean aunt" and she grabs me in a hug which was super odd as we don't hug and she has the balls to say, "You look so good; please don't gain your weight back!" Seriously? You say that to me at your son's funeral? Whatever happened to "Thank you for coming"?
Again, I hadn't seen this cousin who died for over 10 years so when I saw some of his pictures at the back of the church, I was shocked. His mother had mocked me for my weight and there was her son who ended up being too large for a casket so they were forced to cremate him. My "nice aunt" and I stood there looking at the pictures and I would bet our mouths were hanging open and our eyes were bugged out. It's sad that he had become that in his life; he was only four years older than me so he was still a young man. I was told that in the end, he gave up. I did eventually tell my Mom about "Fatty Sara" and she was so pissed. If "mean aunt" would've been within arm's length, Mom would've throttled her.
My weight has been and will always be a battle. I will never be thin and it's taken me a long time to realize that. I've never hit my goal weight and probably won't but I won't ever go back to my heaviest weight, either. I do put myself down a lot but it's hard not to still see yourself as the fatter version of you. I still have those moments in clothing stores where I want to cry when something that should fit doesn't but who doesn't have those moments? Even smaller women do. I do think that my sense of humor and sarcastic nature were born because of my weight; I guess it's maybe a type of defense mechanism? I may be fat but I can make you laugh? I dunno. When I have really down moments and I call myself "Fatty Sara", I look at a photo of the old me and realize I have come really far. I also realize that beauty really is only skin deep. I like to believe that, for the most part, I have a good heart and if you need me, I'm there for you. Would I like to be a size 8? Hell yes I would! Will I be a size 8? Hell no I won't but I've come to terms with that.
I guess the moral of this whole story is...well maybe there's more than one moral. Words can cut like a knife for a very long time so be careful what you say to a child or anyone especially regarding their appearance. And just because someone may be a larger size doesn't mean they're not handsome or beautiful. And we can all say "beauty is skin deep" and act like we don't judge someone on their appearance but let's be honest; we all judge appearances before we get to know someone and I think it's human nature to do so. We should all try to do better in the judgement department. There's much more to a person than their looks.
We were at an aunt's house and my cousins, siblings and I were playing out in the driveway. It was some family gathering and most of the adults were inside except for the aunt who owned the home. We were running around doing what kids do and this aunt proceeded to call me "Fatty Sara" over and over again. Now, this aunt has never been the kindest of people (obviously) but for some reason, my child self didn't see this as being nasty which I still don't comprehend to this day. But I can remember that day as if it were yesterday. I can even remember I was wearing a navy blue dress with a floral print that my Mom had made me. Over and over she'd call out "Fatty Sara" in this nasally, taunting voice.
Fast Forward to a few years ago. This aunt's son has passed away, ironically, from what you could say was obesity. I would guess he tipped the scales over 500 pounds. I hadn't seen him since 1999 and he was a solidly built guy but by no means obese at that time. So my parents were in Florida and couldn't come home for the funeral so I picked up my other aunt and we drove together. As we're driving, we're chatting about this cousin and his mother who, by the way, has never been very pleasant to the aunt I'm riding with. Anyway, we're talking and I tell her, "Aunt ---used to call me Fatty Sara to my face." My aunt gasped and said, "Are you kidding me?! When was this?" I told her I must've been around five when it happened and at that time, it didn't phase me. She asked if I'd told my parents and I never had. This aunt says to me, "Sara, you remember this forty years later; it hurt you and has obviously affected you." I'd never really thought about how those words to me had stuck with me all these years.
So we get to the church for the funeral. I forgot to mention that at the time of this funeral, I'd been working really hard on losing weight and I believe I'd already dropped over 70 pounds. Anyway, we walk into the church and there's "mean aunt" and she grabs me in a hug which was super odd as we don't hug and she has the balls to say, "You look so good; please don't gain your weight back!" Seriously? You say that to me at your son's funeral? Whatever happened to "Thank you for coming"?
Again, I hadn't seen this cousin who died for over 10 years so when I saw some of his pictures at the back of the church, I was shocked. His mother had mocked me for my weight and there was her son who ended up being too large for a casket so they were forced to cremate him. My "nice aunt" and I stood there looking at the pictures and I would bet our mouths were hanging open and our eyes were bugged out. It's sad that he had become that in his life; he was only four years older than me so he was still a young man. I was told that in the end, he gave up. I did eventually tell my Mom about "Fatty Sara" and she was so pissed. If "mean aunt" would've been within arm's length, Mom would've throttled her.
My weight has been and will always be a battle. I will never be thin and it's taken me a long time to realize that. I've never hit my goal weight and probably won't but I won't ever go back to my heaviest weight, either. I do put myself down a lot but it's hard not to still see yourself as the fatter version of you. I still have those moments in clothing stores where I want to cry when something that should fit doesn't but who doesn't have those moments? Even smaller women do. I do think that my sense of humor and sarcastic nature were born because of my weight; I guess it's maybe a type of defense mechanism? I may be fat but I can make you laugh? I dunno. When I have really down moments and I call myself "Fatty Sara", I look at a photo of the old me and realize I have come really far. I also realize that beauty really is only skin deep. I like to believe that, for the most part, I have a good heart and if you need me, I'm there for you. Would I like to be a size 8? Hell yes I would! Will I be a size 8? Hell no I won't but I've come to terms with that.
I guess the moral of this whole story is...well maybe there's more than one moral. Words can cut like a knife for a very long time so be careful what you say to a child or anyone especially regarding their appearance. And just because someone may be a larger size doesn't mean they're not handsome or beautiful. And we can all say "beauty is skin deep" and act like we don't judge someone on their appearance but let's be honest; we all judge appearances before we get to know someone and I think it's human nature to do so. We should all try to do better in the judgement department. There's much more to a person than their looks.
<3 <3
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